All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
