Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
