The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
