Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
