theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
