maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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