so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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