she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
