New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
