Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
love makes seman taste better
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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