its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
