the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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