why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
