A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
