I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just forgot I was standing up.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
