I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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