I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
