New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize