I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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