It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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