What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
