i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
