Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
