everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
