If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
