I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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