All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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