Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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