We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
