You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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