Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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