Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
