He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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