dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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