someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
