Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
