i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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