I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
