I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
