I will die if light touches me.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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