if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
