just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
