i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just had sex on a roof
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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