I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize