20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
