So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
