Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
