we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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