I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize