Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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