I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize