You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
