He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
