thus making me awesome and them whores
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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