so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
