Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Randomize
