"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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