He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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