Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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