i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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