Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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