i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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