You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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