You smell like stripper and shame
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
