Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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