i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My vagina just clenched in fear
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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