The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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