On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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