proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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