fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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